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Thursday, 18 February 2010

Finding That Deeper Meaning.

"You keep pushin' me away.
Tearin' down your walls,
Is forcing me to break.
Don't know what to say,
Will you ever let me in?
It's hard for me to pretend.
So tell me what you wanna do;
Tell me is there any other way."

Lately on my mind has been a thought.
Well, many thoughts, I am female after all.
My mind is always racing.
But this thought caught me earlier.
Which would I rather prefer on a special occasion?
A well-thought out present or to hear the words I want to hear the most?
Not "I love you"; those are already present in our relationship.
But...the emotion.
Behind the thoughtful gift.
Is what I think I'd rather know and receive.
Forgo the gift, and tell me what I think every girl longs to hear.
(Or maybe just me).
Also keeping in mind that the male mind does not work the way ours do.
I want to hear how he feels.
Because I rarely know,
Being the mind-reader I'm not.
Now these words.
Are very heavy words.
Heavier than the fated "I love you."
And much more potent.
Much more meaningful.
Much more than any girl could wish for.
Oh, now you're thinking, "The question!"
No, not "Marry Me" either.
Although that would probably come before these words would ever be uttered.
Or maybe after.
I want...to be told that I'm better than "they" were.
That I mean so much more to him than "they" ever did.
That I truly make an impact on his life that he can safely say I mean that much to him.
That all of their stars dim in comparison to mine.
Except not so frivolous. Men aren't frivolous.
But to be told you mean more the MOST to someone.
That to me, is the best thing I think a girl can hear from the one she loves.
These words have not been said to me, in so many words.
I wish he would say those words.
I wish I could tell him to say those words, but that would be cheating.
I can't give him the cheat sheet for this part of life.
That would be unfair to me.
And possibly to him.
I want him to mean them.
Not to tell me what I want to hear.
There's a difference.
A large one, in fact.
Honestly, I just want him to speak from his heart.
For once, instead of feigning that beautiful indifferent face of his.
I'd love to see him raw with emotion.
Just for me. For one moment, I would give a lifetime.
To know he feels just as strongly as I do for him.
In words, in feeling.
I love you, Michael.
You do mean more to me than I could ever have imagined.
With you, I have everything I could ever need.
And I want more. So much more.
One lifetime could not be enough for me to show you how I feel.
I've given you all of me, now please give me something back before I break.

"If I'm holding you, then I'm all in.
I know you're scared, yeah you've been burned.
But I won't ever hurt you like that.
If you'd take a chance I'm not like them."

Note: I realize this is a post out of my usual element, but I thought the few that read my journal would appreciate/enjoy it. :]

Sunday, 03 January 2010

Currently
Always Leave the Ground
By This Day and Age
Second Place Victory
see related
True Loss...

...is that of losing one's best friend.
A true best friend.
One that knows you above all else;
who you are, how you feel, every little of particle of you that exists,
and then some.
This girl's story takes a wrong turn.
Where did she go wrong?
Could she have changed the way things were?
If only?
She doesn't think so.
She doesn't know anymore.
All this girl can think of, is the echo of eloquently uttered words.
Words that meant nothing; everything.
She is numb.
The pain has yet to really set in.
She can feel it pounding on the door to her heart,
uninvited; unrelentless.
The hope she once had, has once again dimmed.
For once, this girl had hoped that it would be different.
That promises wouldn't be broken; thrown back into her face so subtly eloquent.
What is she to do now?
He was the one person that meant the most in her life.
The one that gave her the reason to be here today.
By removing himself, his expectations, his position,
She is left with wondering if things are even worth it.
If they are even worth it.
She needed guidance, he gave her betrayal.
She needed comfort, he presented her with broken trust.
She needed him to say those right things,
Be there for her,
And he ruined her with a phrase.
This girl is so utterly alone right now.
She lost the only person who seemingly gave a damn
to circumstances that were beyond her control.
Even after all this time, she expected him to be waiting for her to come running.
And when she did, he couldn't catch her.
Because someone else has taken her spot in his heart.
In his life.
And she's so terribly happy for him, even though
He broke his promise.

Tuesday, 15 December 2009

Currently
All the Right Moves
By Onerepublic
see related
The Issues.

This girl has issues.
With them.
Not the others, but them in particular.
The ones that bother him with their incessant triviality.
All each vying for his attention in their own way.
This girl does not share, not at all.
Especially not with them.
She will not share one moment of her time with him, for them.
Not for one moment of caring, concern, or even polite inquisition.
So she does something she shouldn't.
It will come back to hurt her, that she is sure of.
What else can she do?
How else can she protect all that matters to her?
She must hide their attentions, as best she can.
On another note, she is once again wondering if she can do this.
If she can be...normal.
If she can give everything to him, everything that matters.
And the story of a girl goes on.

Wednesday, 09 September 2009

Currently
Blood Stained Love Story
By Saliva
Starting Over
see related
Inner Turmoil.

This girl, she is fighting an inner war with herself.
Caught between the feeling of selfishness and selflessness.
She doesn't know where to turn for help.
Who can help her?
The others will feed her the generic answers of life.
None of them will have any true meaning.
And will leave her just as confused with herself.
The look of pain she spies through unshed tears is the only indication of her mistake.
But it is too late, what is said is said.
"I said too much again."
Truer words never spoken.
She takes them back as quickly as she can, assuring what she doesn't really feel.
Stepping out, she collapses in a heap; thoroughly exhausted with her emotional turmoil.
As she sits in quiet contemplation, fighting the emotions on either side.
She realizes that she is once again going to sacrifice herself, to save her happiness.
This is necessary, for she doesn't want to lose what makes her truly smile again.
As she slid back into reality, she takes one look behind her.
And realizes she's leaving something behind she should never miss, but does.
A piece of herself.

Thursday, 13 August 2009

Currently
Lost Songs
By Anberlin
see related
Life without Guarantees.

"Sometimes, you just feel everything and nothing at once.
Sometimes, you find yourself smiling, while missing someone at the same time.
You can absolutely love someone, and all the while hate them.
Life comes without guarantees,
except that smiling will brighten your face,
laughing will enhance your eyes,
and falling in love will change your life."
This girl understands this quote all too well.
She has made a big step in her life.
In doing so, she has alienated the others.
Not because she wanted to, but because they did not understand.
They chose to let themselves be alienated.
How does she explain to them that happiness is not bound by social standards.
Or obligations in life the others feel this girl should have; but doesn't.
Happiness is only bound by her heart.
And wasn't she taught to always follow her heart?
And do what makes her happy?
She is doing just that, but at a price.
A price she is willing to accept.
What price, is asked.
The price is a boy, and a 2000 mile move.
But this boy is not just any boy.
He is that special one, that only comes around once in this girl's lifetime.
He has the power to mend her wounds.
But in doing so, is putting his touch onto them.
If he destroys her, she will shatter for the last time.
But she does not worry about that.
She is content to let him heal her.
She is content to follow her happiness.
Even at the expense of others.
For once in this girl's life, she is going to be selfish.
And not regret the decision.
For once in this girl's life,
She is going to be happy.